How To Carry Out An Uncomfortable Conversation

December 5, 2012 — 43 Comments

Ever have a team member under perform? Or maybe they were found to be lacking in character.

These are the times that call for uncomfortable conversations.

One of the toughest tasks we have as leaders is to carry out uncomfortable conversations. Usually the difficult conversation results in one or both parties leaving with hurt feelings.

Either you come off as too gruff or not stern enough. The feeling of unfinished business is left hanging in the air.

When we carry out an uncomfortable conversation, it’s best to have a plan or technique in place.

A great technique for having having a difficult conversation is the sandwich method. And no, it’s not give them a sandwich while breaking the bad news.

The sandwich method is carried out by using different layers for the conversation.

  • Begin by praising or uplifting the person you’re talking to: Let them know that you value them and that you see their potential. They’re part of the team and you like them.This helps to break the ice. You’re also starting off on the right foot by giving them a confidence boost.
  • You then move into the difficult conversation: Break the news to your employee after you’ve given a hearty amount of praise. They’re warmed up and know that you care. At this point, they’re much more receptive to hearing any bad news that may need to be told. Be gentle but be firm. Let them know it’s a serious situation and that things need to change.
  • End with more praise: Don’t leave the conversation on a negative note. Swoop in and give the employee another heaping of praise. Give them encouragement, letting them know that you have faith things will improve.

Can you see why this is called the sandwich method?

Consider the praise the top and bottom layers of the bread. They hold everything together. Without them, the meat of the sandwich would be all over the place.

The bad news, or difficult conversation, is the meat. It’s what the whole thing is about. Sandwiched between two pieces of bread, it’s safe and easier to digest.

While this won’t work every time you need to have a difficult conversation, it definitely helps and gives you a great starting point.

Question: What other techniques do you use when you need to have an uncomfortable conversation? Please share them in the comment section below.


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Joseph Lalonde

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  • http://deuceology.wordpress.com Larry Carter

    We laughingly say it like this at work: Nice suit, you stink, nice shoes.

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      Larry, thanks for the morning laugh!

  • http://www.mattmcwilliams.com/ Matt McWilliams

    Personally I am not a big fan of the sandwich because it differentiates positive feedback from negative feedback.

    About three years ago I started using a simple method of giving positive and negative feedback in the exact same manner. And I told my team what it would look like in advance.
    The wrong way (to me at least) was what I did prior to that. Good feedback was delivered with a huge smile and a pat on the back. A big “attaboy” if you will.

    Negative feedback was preceded by an invitation to visit the principal’s office and then a long drawn out, beat around the bush, finally get to the point extravaganza.

    So I told my team that from now on it would like look like this:

    Positive: “When you do X, here is what happens. Keep it up!”
    Negative: “When you do X, here is what happens. What can you do to change that?”

    Neither was delivered with extreme variance in emotion. Both were intended for one reason: to cause the desired future behavior, by either reinforcing a good one or correcting a bad one.

    That was my experience at least :)

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      Not all methods work for all people or situations. There have been times I haven’t been a big fan of the sandwich method either. I think it all depends on the delivery and reason behind using it.

      It sounds like you’ve got a good method to give both negative and positive feedback Matt. I’ll have to give this method a shot.

      • http://www.mattmcwilliams.com/ Matt McWilliams

        Joe, I am going to write a post about it (Someday) soon. It’s actually a very effective method I learned from a podcast called Manager Tools that I tweaked for my own use.

        • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

          Sweet Matt. I look forward to reading it. Be sure to come back here and share the post!

  • http://sparkvoice.wordpress.com/ DS

    In my mind people have had bad experiences with the sandwich method and so they think poorly of it.  Most of the time it’s because the feedback they’ve been getting doesn’t prepare one for this.  A lot of times it may leave them in an unsure state of mind – no one I know wants to be told they’re not doing a good job regardless of how you frame it.  Imagine you were the one receiving the same exact news delivered the same exact way.

    There’s a wonderful book called, “Helping People Win at Work,” by Ken Blanchard and Garry Ridge.  It has a thought process of “Don’t mark my paper, help me get an A.”  It’s a good read. http://www.kenblanchard.com/helppeoplewinatwork/ (not an affiliate link…)

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      DS, I think that’s true. When used poorly this method can damage rather than heal. It’s knowing when to use it and in what context.

      Thanks for the book recommendation. It’ll be added to my list of to-read books.

  • http://www.facebook.com/dan.erickson.14 Dan Erickson

    As a college instructor I often have to have these kinds of conversations with underperforming or failing students.  It has been a conscious decision, but I do exactly as your post points out.   I start with the good, move to the not-so-good, and end with either praise or empathy.

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      That’s great Dan. I take it you find the sandwich method to work well with your students then?

  • http://kimanziconstable.com/ kimanzi constable

    Generally I’m just brutally honest and it doesn’t come off well at times :) I’m going to try this way out.

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      I can be that way too Kimanzi. Sometimes it’s easier just to be brutally honest. 

      • http://sukofamily.org/ Caleb

         There is such thing as lovingly honest too! I agree that honesty needs to take a front seat but a lot depends on what kind of a seat you have it on. Honesty couched in a little kindness goes a loooong way!

  • Caleb

    Sometimes it helps ease the tension if you let the person know that it’s difficult for you too but so important that you thought it worthwhile discussing it with them.

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      This addition is great Caleb. Sometimes shared pain helps heal wounds brought about by confronting the issues.

  • http://danblackonleadership.com/ Dan Black

    I use the sandwich technique. I have found it a very helpful and beneficial way to have a difficult conversation. When I was a youth leader I used this technique all the time. Great reminder and post.

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      Glad to hear it’s worked well for you Dan. Did it help your students and team respond more positively to the negative news?

      • http://danblackonleadership.com/ Dan Black

        I found that it did help, especially when I was counseling or mentoring a youth.

  • http://jonstolpe.com/ Jon Stolpe

    I like the sandwich method, but the bread (or the praise) has to be genuine and valid – not contrived just to ease the bad/uncomfortable news.  Nice reminder, Joe.

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      That it does Jon. If you’re doing it just to flatter the person beforehand it’s going to backfire. Maybe ending worse than not using the method at all.

  • http://tcavey.blogspot.com/ TCAvey

    Sandwich…interesting. 

    I think I’ll add lettuce to my sandwich (listening without an agenda, being open to hearing what they have to say).

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      I love that TC! But isn’t that more than just lettuce? It’s like adding lettuce and mayo or maybe mustard.

      • http://danblackonleadership.com/ Dan Black

         Or the cheese?:)

        • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

           Mmmm… Cheese…

      • http://tcavey.blogspot.com/ TCAvey

        LOL

    • http://danblackonleadership.com/ Dan Black

       I like that TC Avey!!! It’s important to go in and listen both to the verbal and non verbal. Great point.

  • http://intentionaltoday.com/ Ngina Otiende

    I like how you end the post…it won’t work every time but it’s a great starting point. I like the idea and values behind the sandwich method – love people, understand them and treat them with dignity. I also agree with Jon, the praise has to be genuine.

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      I felt the disclaimer needed to be added. Too often we think every solution will work in every situation and it’s just not the case.

  • http://www.liveitforward.com/ Kent Julian

    Good stuff, Joe. And I always try to remember it’s better to run at problems than it is to run away from problems.

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      Thanks Kent. And those are wise words you ended your comment with. Far too often we’re running when we should be standing and accepting the results of our issues.

      • http://www.liveitforward.com/ Kent Julian

        Absolutely. I’ve found that the two things successful people positively run at instead of running away from are problems and decisions. Both are keys to being successful.

  • http://www.mondayisgood.com/ Tom Dixon

    One thing to keep in mind is the timing of the feedback.  I made a commitment to my team to address performance issues right away, instead of hitting them with a list of “improvement areas” during an annual review.  I agree the sandwich method works – but only if related to a recent, specific event.

    • http://danblackonleadership.com/ Dan Black

      Great point Tom. It allows you to address the issue and turn it into a coaching moment. How have your people reacted to you doing this?

      • http://www.mondayisgood.com/ Tom Dixon

        It has been positive all around – most people are used to getting feedback once a year instead of “in the moment.”  I am really doing someone a disservice if I don’t have those difficult conversations.

        • http://danblackonleadership.com/ Dan Black

           That’s great Tom. Keep doing what your doing, your doing better than most managers.

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

       Tom, thanks for the addition. Timing is very important. There’s no reason to wait til the end of the year or review period. Correcting the issue right away is key to a healthy organization. Another downfall of waiting for the annual review is your team member may continue to make the same mistake over and over again. Creating a wave that builds and builds until it’s very difficult to stop.

  • http://twitter.com/LeadingEveryday Juan Cruz Jr

    Great suggestions Joe. I’ve learned how to have difficult conversations, comfortably over the last few years. But I haven’t always used the steps above. Things go a lot better when we use respect and love together with firmness, to carry on a difficult conversation. 

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      It’s awesome to hear you’ve having success in difficult conversations Juan. What other steps have you used to have successful difficult conversations?

  • http://www.borntwolead.com/ TJ Trent

    Joe,

    I never make it personal.  I do not want the person to get defensive and stop listening.  There is a problem it needs to be addressed and I am here to help you fix it.  We are a team and you are not alone.

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      Interesting approach TJ. I like how you don’t relate the problem to the person, it’s all about correcting the issue. 

  • http://www.nathanmagnuson.com/ Nathan Magnuson

    Makes a lot of sense, Joseph. Difficult conversations can seem like the worst experiences ever, but it’s often more damaging in the long-run if we don’t have them. Incidentally, one of Dale Carnegie’s first principles is right along these same lines: begin with praise and honest appreciation.

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      Nathan, I don’t think I’ve seen you comment before. Thanks for taking the time to today.

      It’s funny how we’re willing to sacrifice the long term for a little short term gain, huh? The conversation may sting for a minute but it’s better than taking no action and letting things get worse.