Dude, Things Are Not Okay

January 9, 2012 — 33 Comments
Dude, Things Are Not Okay | Joseph Lalonde
Depression

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I play the game. You play the game. We all play the game.

You know the one. It is the “I’m okay” game.

Someone asks you how you you are doing. Without thinking, you reply “I’m okay, good. Thank you.”

Even when things are not. We put on our masks and tell those we know a lie.

I have known a few people who would say they were okay but they really were not. They felt things were worse than they could admit.

A few years back, I ran into a former co-worker. I asked how he was doing. He said things were going well. Three weeks later, I learned he overdosed.

A young lady that attended our church put on the facade too. Things were good, she would say. We lost her to an overdose as well.

We need to stop playing the game. We need to start telling the truth. We need to let people in.

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.”
– Virginia Woolf

While you should not spew all the negative events, you do need to find people you can be honest with.

You need a Band of Brothers(or Sisters if you are a woman). You need 3-4 men that you can count on at any time.

Be willing to be open and honest about your struggles with these men. If you are hurting, let them know. If you have no idea of what to do, ask them. If you are struggling with an issue, disclose it to them.

Let me encourage you today to surround yourself with 3-4 friends that you can confide in. Form a band of brothers with a group you trust. Let them into your world that is blocked to everyone else.

If you take this step, your burdens will be lighter. The stress of the day will be easier to handle. The cloudy skies will brighten.

Take time today to think of 3-4 men you could have in your band of brothers. Give them a call and discuss the idea of joining together and forming a band of brothers.

You will not regret it.

“It takes strength and courage to admit the truth.”
– Rick Riordan

Question: How could having a band of brothers help you? Please share your answers in the comment section below.

If you have found this post helpful, please share it with someone that could benefit from reading it.

 

 

 


In Leadership, Relationships, Self-Improvement
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Joseph Lalonde

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  • http://charlielyons.ca Charlie Lyons

    This type of thing is a MUST in a guy’s life in particular. It is SO easy to hide a LOT of things and having this band of brothers is essential, not just to surviving but thriving. I’m blessed to have had this kind of thing in place for years now and I’m a better man for it, absolutely.

    Thanks for the great thoughts, Joseph.

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      Awesome Charlie! It’s always great to see someone has gotten this and living it out. Life is so much easier when we’re walking in open fellowship with our brothers.

  • http://twitter.com/croyseniles Christine Niles

    True for women, too. We’ve fought so long to be taken seriously (especially in the workplace) and prove that we CAN do it all–admitting that we’re overwhelmed or at a loss or just having a bad day can feel at best like showing a chink in the battle armor and at worst like handing over our swords.

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      You’re right Christine. Sorry if I made it seem this post was geared more towards men. I just like the term band of brothers.

  • http://www.jeffrandleman.com Jeff Randleman

    Accountability is crucial! I think that there is nothing else that is so necessary and yet so neglected in American Christianity. If men were held accountable by one another, I believe we would see many more mighty things happening!

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      I agree Jeff! It is amazing the things that happen when men hold each other accountable. Our church has been holding Wild At Heart classes and we’ve seen tremendous growth in the men of our church.

      If only more of the church knew the power openness unleashes..

  • http://talesofwork.com kimanzi constable

    Wow, you must have read my mind! I wrote a blog post yesterday called “One key to success: a close group of friends” talking about a group of four friends that I have that are closer than brothers (actually, one of them is my brother, lol). We take about problems and fears and we push each other to make progress on our dreams. We also call each other out when one is slacking and making excuses. Who you hang out with will affect other area’s of your life in a positive way or a negative way. Choose wisely!

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      That is crazy! Guess great minds think alike.

      Glad to hear you have this type of group. It is so empowering to be able to be open and free with a group of guys that you trust.

      • http://talesofwork.com kimanzi constable

        It’s helped to push me but also relieve stress!

  • http://talesofwork.com kimanzi constable

    P.S. I also emailed all four of them this post! And twitted it as well! Great post Joe

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      Thanks for sharing the post with your friends. I appreciate the love!

      • http://talesofwork.com kimanzi constable

        That’s what you should always do with great material, right!

  • http://tcavey.blogspot.com/ TCAvey

    I remember thinking once, what would happen if someone answered my question with “I’m having a really bad day” or something along those lines. Especially if it was a stranger, how would I react to that?

    So far, I have yet to have anyone answer my generic, “how’s your day” with anything other than the standard, “Good and you”. I still wonder how I would handle any other answer, but I trust that God will give me discernment in that situation and knowledge on how to hep that person.

    Good post, we do all need someone we can confide in because we all have bad days, we all go through valley and need help getting through them.

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      It’s kind of shocking when someone answers differently. I’ve done it before and it throws the person off. You should try it at least once.

      • http://tcavey.blogspot.com/ TCAvey

        You’re funny. I’ll give it a try sometime. I think I might answer something that will really throw them off like “I’m slightly constipated, but I think it will all come out okay.” okay, that was gross, sorry.

        That reminds me of the old commercial of the man who would tap people on the shoulder and tell them “I’ve lowered my Cholesterol”. I’ve really thought of saying something off the wall like that when in an elevator.

  • http://chrisvonada.com chris vonada

    We call this band of brothers a mid-week circle. The mid-week small group, or circle, is where it gets real… where we find the support and encouragement of our fellow believers. Great post Joe!

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      Nice Chris! Glad you’re a part of a community like this.

  • http://sightregained.com Louis Tullo

    This is something I’ve wrestled with in life. My tendency has always been to deal with things on my own, but as I’ve matured in Christ I’ve been able to really see how important community is. Christ calls us to be one in John 17, and an important part of that is having quality relationships with other believers. I know the relationships I’ve had have made me love Christ in an even deeper way.

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      A lot of us have struggled with this issue Louis. The world tells us we should be able to do it on our. Yet we weren’t created to be alone. Keep working at it!

  • http://www.chaplainmike.com/ Mike Hansen

    Great post. Couldn’t agree more. I had my first long term (10 weeks) exposure to being in a band of brothers and the Wild at Heart program at one of our local churches (Adventist). I soaked it up like a dried up sponge, reading all the chapters, meticulously filling in all the pages of the field manual. And since then pretty much read all of Eldredge’s material, especially about men.

    I’ve played that game too. Last year when our family was in a bad place financially and my lower back was twisted in knots because of the stress, I would pass people and after they asked me how I was doing, I would say, “Good” and immediately think, “Like crap. Feel like I’m drowning. How about you?” Makes me wonder how many do that on a regular basis all around me and I don’t even notice. And I’m a hospital chaplain.

    And one more thought: This post reminds of the song I love by Sanctus Real, “I’m Not Alright.” I’ve always loved that someone can sing that sincerity. And I read it on this post. Thanks.

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      Thanks for sharing Mike. Men are thirsty for this type of fellowship. We’ve long been told to do it alone or you don’t need anyone else. Thankfully men like John Eldridge have come along with programs like WAH. I’m glad to hear you took the course. I hope you were able to develop strong relationships with the men in your group.

      Sanctus Real is a great band. I’m not sure if I’ve heard of that song before though…

  • Anonymous

    I have seen the benefits from having a band of brothers. A few years ago a group of friends started a band of brothers group. We meet every week and honestly opened up about what was going on in our life. We encouraged and confronted each other. I’m no longer in the same area as those people but still maintain contact with them. This is something I need to find or starts. I really like the passage, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friends sharpens a friend .”

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      Sorry to hear you haven’t been able to find a new group to step into. I’ll be praying that you’ll be able to find a group again.

      • Anonymous

        I’ll take your prayers. I started to attend a potential group but all that has been happening with my son and everything it has been hard to attend. During this time I have been in contact with some of the group members.

  • Sam

    Nice thought, but from a practical sense, do not think it works. Many people do not want to know the real answer to that question. Even your friends and family rarely want to really know, especially when the progression is negative or stagnation for a long time.

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      Sam, I appreciate your thoughts on the subject. I’m sorry you don’t think this is practical. However, I’ve seen it in action.

      Most people approach it wrong and that is why it doesn’t work. Like I said in the post, you can’t be negative all the time and to everyone. But you do have to open up to a few trusted friends.

      The key is be honest but not toxic.

  • http://www.arnyslight.wordpress.com/ Arny

    Great word Joe…

    I think we should surround ourselves with these friends even if we are not going through something dark…

    because you never know when the wheels will turn and we might go through something just as dark…

    and we would already have those around us to help…

    • http://www.jmlalonde.com Joe Lalonde

      You’re right Arny.

      It’s been amazing to see this in action at our church. A great man just lost his job. He decided to share it with one of the men from his band of brothers. This person opened up his garage to him and is allowing him to start a business out of it.

      Amazing what can happen when you’re honest.

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  • Online MBA India

    Very true words…Its been amazing feeling after reading your post.

  • jeff

    “Form a band of brothers with a group you trust.”
    That’s precisely it.  I need a group that I trust.  And that is harder to come by than I thought.   I have limited myself to practically no one.  I am seeking, even while I enjoy people I can tell my troubles to.  

    I’m addicted to pretense, and I find myself stuck in groups where I’m inclined to pretense.  I do wonder why.  Maybe it’s because the leaders are fake or plastic themselves, and I’m used to it.  No.  It doesn’t feel great at all.  That kind of fakeness is what prompts me to say, “I’m okay,” when they ask me with as much sincerity as they can muster.  I certainly don’t feel safe around that.  I don’t like smiles.  I like sad faces.  That is when I know I can trust someone to say, “This is what I want to talk about.  What do you think?”